Life with kid(S)

When I was pregnant with my second monster- I mean son- I asked the women at my baby shower for advice on how to deal with- I mean take care of- two children. I was given some good advice. Now I would like to offer some things to look forward to, if you will, to women who are preparing for their first child. Or considering a second, because that's just as terrifying as preparing for just one.

~You will get peed on. Probably pooped on too. And puked on. Basically anything that comes out of an orifice will somehow end up on your person.

~You will bare hand a turd out of the bathtub and into the toilet. At least once. It's a right of passage.

~Oh, you're trying to nurse your baby? That's cool because your toddler needs juice. Right now. This is even worse if you're bottle feeding because you have to do this weird chin prop bottle holding thing so you can barely manage to open and close containers and pour liquid with your free hand while you're hunched over the baby in your arms.

~ You have to poop- excuse me "use the restroom". I hope you don't mind an audience because more than likely that's when your child will need to tell you or show you something they think is so freaking awesome that it can't wait.

~When you take a bath alone you may see fingers appear from under the door. This may be accompanied by "Mommy!". It's really cute, I know. Do not open that door. Don't do it. They're really hard to get rid of once they get in. Kind of like bed bugs. If you're lucky like me, your child will figure out how to take off the door handle covers and barge in anyway.

~You were going to stay up after you put the baby down to catch up on that book you were reading? Or maybe you have a show to watch? Oh, your significant other wants to spend time with you? That's convenient because your baby has conveniently picked this time to cry inconsolably.

~Be careful when you choose to drink hot beverages. Right when you're about to take a sip is when your child will excited reach up causing you to spill all over or drop your cup.

The list continues but like I said, I put the baby down and thought I could do this while he was asleep before I went to bed. I can hear him whining... Now I have to run Flash Gordon style before it turns into a melt down.